Stage 3

[unasked_for]

[He doesn't filter this, because he doesn't actually...know how, at least not very well. Besides, who outside his world is going to care? But he probably would, otherwise.]

Some years ago, I was injured fighting on Seheron. A group of qunari rebels took me in, tended to my wounds. They were...admirable, far beyond my limited ability to understand at the time. They taught me things I hadn't realized I was ignorant of. I owed them my life, and far more. Had I been given the chance, I might have stayed with them permanently.

...instead, I killed them all. I slaughtered my saviors on the orders of the man I hate more than any other.

There are many things I will never forgive him for, but that...that is chief among them. And neither will I forgive myself.

Comments

[notlikethemovie.livejournal.com]

[Her ears quirk, would have twitched forward completely and it still feels strange that they can't. This human thing is awful and it feels like she has to press the phone tight to her ear just to make out what he says.]

Why? Did he have some power over you that forced you? If you hate him that much, it doesn't seem like you'd follow his commands willingly.

S-sorry if it sounds rude, you probably don't want to talk about it, so you really don't have to listen to me. Not many people do anyway. Um.

[unasked-for.livejournal.com]

I was a slave, and he was my master. I had...scarcely considered the possibility of disobeying him before I met the qunari. Even when he came to fetch me, when he gave me that order - I assumed there was no other choice to be made. No; I did not believe it to be a choice at all.

Only after it was done did his hold over me finally break. There is much blood magic in the Imperium, but magical compulsion is hardly necessary to enslave a mind - not if one is taught nothing but obedience.

[notlikethemovie.livejournal.com]

That makes sense. Somehow I had a feeling something like that might've been involved.

"I'm sorry" sounds so superficial and trite in the face of something like that, hollow and unhelpful. Did you at least escape him, then? Can you even do that?

I don't think I could ever stand to be enslaved. I mean, I know some of the other wolves did it centuries ago, there wouldn't be dogs if they hadn't, but the very idea just makes me feel ill all over. I don't think I could ever stand to call someone master unless they earned it. I can't even imagine what it would be like for someone to be forced into servitude.

[unasked-for.livejournal.com]

Why would you apologize? You had nothing to do with it. [His voice is brusque, but he does mean the words kindly enough.]

And yes, I did escape. That was what sparked it, in fact. But my freedom came at a cost, one the qunari paid for me. I...wish it had been otherwise.

...other wolves? [His curiosity is evident in his voice.]

[notlikethemovie.livejournal.com]

I don't know, it feels like someone should do it. [She huffs softly, though it sounds more like a sigh.]

That's...that's awful too.

I'm a wolf. Or I was, until I got dragged here. I only look mostly human normally, and the old alphas say it's because long before we left the old woods, someone laid a curse on our ancestors. No one knows if it's true, we were never the kind to write our histories down, and the humans prefer to explain everything with science anyway.

[unasked-for.livejournal.com]

[Fenris makes a faint sound of amusement at this.] The only person who should apologize is my former master - and perhaps his apprentice, who strove to match him in inventive cruelty. And they are hardly sorry...though I intend to make them so, in due time.

[This information takes Fenris rather by surprise. She...almost sounds like a werewolf, as such things would be understood in Thedas, save for the fact that she's too clearly a rational creature and werewolves are anything but.] ...I can sympathize, I suppose. I was an elf before I came here.

[notlikethemovie.livejournal.com]

I know, but still. It's really upsetting. [She huffs quietly, thinking it over for a moment.] Good luck, then.

The others said there was a way to turn back, but I don't know if it's worth giving something up for it. I hate being like this, but I'm afraid to find out what I'd lose. My alphas would scruff me so badly if they heard me talking like this though...

You're really an elf, though? [She perks up at this, and if she still had it her tail would be wagging.] I'd never thought I'd ever talk to one, this is really exciting.

[unasked-for.livejournal.com]

The post office is not the only way to regain what's been lost. It returns over time, at the town's discretion.

Not at the moment, no. But I ought to be. [His voice takes on a hint of amusement.] But I had never thought talking to an elf would be considered exciting.

[notlikethemovie.livejournal.com]

I think I'm just going to have to hold out for it at this rate. There isn't much left for me to sacrifice at to the postman. I'd rather keep what little of me there is left.

Elves aren't exactly common where I come from. [More like mythical but she isn't going to say that right now, despite having to almost literally bite her tongue to avoid it.]

[unasked-for.livejournal.com]

A wise choice. There is little I have heard they confiscate that would be considered an even exchange.

Aren't they? Some would consider that a blessing.

[notlikethemovie.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it makes me a bit nervous.

Well, where I'm from, they're a bit of a myth. Legend, really, though some only consider them to be the stuff of stories. I know more than a few people who would probably be ridiculously excited if elves were real. [She huffs softly, embarrassed and faintly amused at the same time.]

[unasked-for.livejournal.com]

...is that so. [There's a faint thread of amusement in his own voice at this.] There is little worth excitement about the elves as we are now, I'm afraid. Perhaps in the old days the Dalish speak of...but now we are peasants and beggars at best, mages or slaves at worst. Hardly the stuff of legends.

[notlikethemovie.livejournal.com]

Still, it's a little exciting.

Besides, I think...that might be a better fate than being little more than a pelt on a wall. The logic sounds a bit messed up when I say it, but I don't know. There aren't many true wolves left in the world where I come from. They're hunted like they're vermin, and where they aren't there's huge fights to make them legal to hunt. It's really upsetting, but with the way things are, those of us who live among the humans aren't in much of a place to do anything about it.

Sorry, I don't know why I can't stop talking tonight, it's probably really annoying, I'm sorry.

Anyway, I guess what I want to say is I wouldn't mind hearing more about it sometime, if you ever want to talk about it. Your world sounds pretty interesting, even if it's not exactly a great place. [She pauses, the silence a little uncomfortable and awkward.] That didn't make much sense at all, did it? Ugh...

[wantasammich.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing, Fenris.

[unasked-for.livejournal.com]

I believe you've heard this tale before, Hawke. I suppose I should thank you for listening...again.

[action?]

[strayprincess.livejournal.com]

[Sara hangs in the background as he calls. When he finishes speaking, she says something quietly.]

Fenris?

[Action]

[unasked-for.livejournal.com]

[Fenris had almost forgotten about Sara, and certainly hadn't expected her to overhear. He turns around sharply, eyebrows raising.] ...Sara.

[He...isn't sure what else to say. Their relationship as not!father and not!daughter is...rather strange, all the more so since their waking droning. Something of his drone self's affection for her as his daughter lingers, and even before that he felt some degree of responsibility for her, but - he's not sure how much she just overheard, or what she'd think of any of it. At least the others from Kirkwall would understand the circumstances, and he didn't count on anyone else caring, but Sara...]

Re: [Action]

[strayprincess.livejournal.com]

[It was rude of her to deliberately eavesdrop. Sara knows that. But she's worried. For her part, Sara's feelings towards him are as conflicted and unsure as his towards her. She feels a sense of duty, even borderline affection.

And his story touches something inside of her.]

I apologize. I know I shouldn't have listened.

[She swallows hard.]

I...I heard everything.

[And then, she gives him the tiniest smile, in an attempt to be reassuring.]

[Action]

[unasked-for.livejournal.com]

I...should have been more cautious. [He shakes his head slightly. He'd have preferred her not to know what he's capable of, the things he'd done in the past, but then he should have remembered that being on the phone - a device he still doesn't understand much - doesn't preclude people from overhearing him in person.]

...you'd be better off not knowing.

[Action]

[strayprincess.livejournal.com]

No. You don't need to apologize to me.

[That's what those words are, after all. An apology. Even if he doesn't say them with so many words. Sara takes a deep breath. It's hard for her to formulate her thoughts; it might be hard to say them out loud were the town not urging her on as well.

She steps forward, hands half-clasped, half-twisted together.]

Don't hate yourself.

[Action]

[unasked-for.livejournal.com]

I... [Fenris pauses, the words having trouble forming.] ...I don't know if I hate myself or not. I hate many of the things I have done, at my master's behest, and I hate how ignorant I used to be. But I may not know myself well enough to hate whoever that may be. Or perhaps all of my hatred is reserved for others, and I have none left to spare on myself. I am hardly fond of myself, but beyond that - I cannot say.

But I - thank you for your concern. [Especially in the face of what he'd just confessed.]

[Action]

[strayprincess.livejournal.com]

You don't have to thank me. If we're going to live together, shouldn't we look out for each other?

Does it make you feel any better to hate them? Does it help?

[She's genuinely curious; she leans against the wall and peers at him as she awaits his reply.]

It sounds exhausting.

[chest-forest.livejournal.com]

Not a bad story, and explains some things.

You keep dwelling on it, though, and you're just going to eat yourself alive from the inside out. Not really too healthy.

I'm debating whether or not it's a good idea to tell you something that might make you feel better...

[unasked-for.livejournal.com]

I do not 'dwell', Varric. One can regret the past without brooding over it. [He knows that word is going to come up sooner or later.] I...do not think of this often. When I remember the Fog Warriors, I usually think of them alive, and the things I learned from them. They were qunari; they themselves would have it that way. Lingering over the dead is against their own teachings.

...and what could you tell me, Varric?

[chest-forest.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure if it's the best idea to say anything, really.

I'm still trying to figure out if, when we ever go back, you'll end up with the old me who doesn't know these things and you won't remember me telling you this...or if it will cause a huge problem.

[unasked-for.livejournal.com]

I...don't know. But unless your words have the power to change the past, then what benefit they could offer me is hardly worth risking. If they could cause problems, better to leave them unsaid.

[chest-forest.livejournal.com]

[Varric really wants to tell him. He thinks it at least might make him feel just a bit better about bringing all of this up. The worry about the dangers, however, outweighs his desire to be helpful.]

Yea, they aren't going to change anything. I suppose it would be the best idea.

You should come by the tavern more often to unwind. Being that uptight all the time is likely pretty tiring.

[unasked-for.livejournal.com]

I take it you spend most of your time there? [There's a brief pause.] Perhaps I will. I could use a drink. Perhaps many of them.

[chest-forest.livejournal.com]

You could indeed.

I'll be sure to grant you a bottomless supply of them. What are friends for, after all?

[unasked-for.livejournal.com]

Drink and stories, it would seem. [Fenris sounds almost more amused than broody now, Varric! Will wonders never cease.] There are worse things, certainly.

[chest-forest.livejournal.com]

I don't know, I've heard here and there that there aren't many things worse than my drunken tales.

I just think they felt a little emasculated at my ability to drink them under the table.

[evers-hacker.livejournal.com]

I-I don't mean to pry, but why? If you hated him, why would you follow his commands?

[unasked-for.livejournal.com]

He was my master, and I his slave. I barely understood the concept of disobeying, then.

[evers-hacker.livejournal.com]

... [April's silent for a moment, unsure of what to say. Saying "I'm sorry" would just seem hollow. But he said he "was" his master, so...]

... Um, did you escape from him?

[unasked-for.livejournal.com]

Yes. Immediately after that incident, in fact.

[evers-hacker.livejournal.com]

Ah, that's great! But, being enslaved like that sounded awful.

Then again I can't even imagine what it's like, I doubt I could even stand calling someone master. I mean, enslavement happens so much back home and it makes me sick and- [Wait, why is she saying all that.] Um, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to start ranting like that.

[unasked-for.livejournal.com]

Many slaves know no other life. Your being enslaved as you are, knowing what freedom is, would be quite different from slaves who barely understand the concept. They do not suffer as you would, though it is no less cruel a practice to keep them blissfully ignorant of how they are being abused.